My last few articles came from deep pain, old traumas that reappear and force me to deal with them, or the challenges of trying to navigate a world without some of the crutches I have previously relied on. But honestly, I have been keeping one challenge under wraps: my first year as a newlywed.
Many people advised that, even with the greatest love story between my husband and I, the first few years would be hard and would require much work on both our parts. Navigating marriage has been challenging on its own, and doing it while opening up old wounds is ridiculously hard. Everything would trigger me, leading to either blinding rage or rivers of tears, and after each episode I was rendered dazed, confused, and unproductive for the rest of the day.
“Life is hard, but we get up and do what we have to do” – would be my husband’s standard answer to my moaning, and it often was the last thing that I wanted to hear. There is much truth in the statement, but I refused to see it, at least while I was up in my feelings. But God, He sent another zinger in one of my devotions a few days after I began writing this article, just to remind me that He, the great healer and physician, was still doing surgical work on my heart.
“SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS: Be deliberate in your evaluation of where you have been, where you are, and where you are going. You have a valuable opportunity to make necessary corrections that will ultimately lead you to a more genuine relationship with Me, says the Lord. Seek Me with all your heart and soul. Psalm 61:2 From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”
Be deliberate, Lord? But I thought I was already doing that. Apparently, I was not, and if I had stepped outside of myself long enough, I would have seen it. But God, He reminded me that, yes, I may have this painful past that has not been fully healed or excised from my heart, but… coming back to the pain with the same thoughts, same approach, cannot and will not work to truly heal. In other words the old way, the old habits, the old ‘eyes’ have to be replaced with new…new wineskin, fresh eyes, renewed perspective in order to grow up, mature, and be lifted higher. But God, He knew that we, His frail and stubborn creations, are hard-headed (okay, it may just be me) and would need many reminders to stop looking back with longing for the old life from which He freed us.
There are tons of verses throughout the bible to remind us to look up, to look to the One higher than us, and receive the healing, via the love, grace, and mercy that He gives. But we must look up! I need to look up, I need to not punish my husband when his actions and words trigger old traumas that are hanging on like dead flesh serving no good purpose but to infect and kill the rest of me that is still alive. When our hearts are overwhelmed, we can call out, scream, and full-on ugly cry it out to our Father. I need to let go of the pride that stops me from falling to my knees to say, “God I need you, I can’t do this on my own, I can’t do this my way anymore, I want you to take over and heal me completely. Excise the old ways, the dead flesh that I cling to, reveal the new eyes, new heart, the new wineskin to hold the new life that you have given me. I know that this new life is the life you gave me when I was adopted into your family, but Lord, I keep looking back with longing. Like Lot’s wife, I keep holding on to the pain because honestly it is comforting, and the new uncharted path is scary. But today, I give it to you. Today I seize the opportunity to grow more, to grow closer to you, to step into the destiny you have prepared me for. Today I give it to you!”
If you recognize yourself in all of this, then fall to your knees and just let Him have it all. You may have spent thousands of hours talking to your besties, your mom, your pastor, or your therapist. But unless you let go of the comfort of holding on to the pain, you will continue to cycle back to the same unhealed wounds and obscure your relationship with Him. Take the next footsteps to complete healing.
Psalm 145:14
“The LORD sustains all who fall and raises up all who are bowed down.”
Leviticus 26:13
“I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt so that you would not be their slaves, and I broke the bars of your yoke and made you walk erect.”
Psalm 40:2
“He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the mirey clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.”
Jonah 2:6
“I descended to the roots of the mountains The earth with its bars was around me forever, But You have brought up my life from the pit, O LORD my God.”
